Asking the right question is a critical skill. Recently a stranger asked me, “do you dye your hair?” What a question. This started a series of questions that piqued thoughts about questions. Here are some of my takeaways on my recent interrogation.
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I am not above a good dye job. Vanity is a trap for anyone and I am not immune from thinking that I might be a candidate for a rinse and hope. At this point, I have never dyed my thinning locks but I am not judging it nor should anyone else. But I am against a bad dye job on the general basis of fastidiousness and investment. Good grooming habits and self investment should be primary if someone is seeking a youthful look. Men should seek professional help in many areas especially dying your hair. This task is a professional’s realm not to be tinkered with by DIY home barbers. The question though is ham fisted and at a minimum rude. The correct question should have been “who does your hair it makes you look so young?” That inquiry can be unpacked with nuance and deftness without bludgeon or offense. It is a subtle way of getting more information voluntarily without assuming a negative. Repartee is a lost art but a good question can lead a grey horse to the watering hole.
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How old are you? In an age of woke sensitivity, I believe men should be granted the civility of not being asked such a blunt question. I would never be taken for a sensitive wallflower but the question was asked with Philistine force. A well formed question slides into position with fencing like accuracy in the hopes of creating maximum leverage to lift information from the unsuspecting recipient. If the person was adept the proper phrasing to obtain my age would have be been a simple “what year did you start practicing law?” See the difference? The first salvo is a question posed by an intellectually lazy person. Instead of taking the responsibility to do simple math which easily leads to the answer without shock this person chose to forsake civility and gentility in favor of an offensive shortcut. As the recipient, I started to draw conclusions about this person. These in-artful queries revealed more about the person asking than what was recovered. I concluded that this person was dull and unable to develop confidence in me that this person would be a relevant business partner.
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How can you remain in business? Another inquiry that reveals more about the person asking than the person answering. When earlier entreaties rendered no results, the person resorted to fear, judgment and failure to break down defenses. This line of questioning truly pulls back the curtain to reveal true intentions. Fear is the ultimate club to beat someone into submission. However, the right question can build synchronicity (shout out to The Police) versus domination. A better question would have been, “what strategies are you using in an increasingly technological world?” No fear no cudgel just a genuine inquiry for information. If you are driven by fear then your questioning will be fearful. If you are coming from a place of scarcity then your questions will be conclusory. If the goal is relationship, then questions should not be afraid of the answers. Confidence and competence begs open ended responses because questions that solicit vulnerable responses enforce the questioner’s solid foundations to provide solutions.
Albert R. Hartley
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