I attended a wedding last weekend. Yes, of course this is out of character for me. My usual line is “invoices not invitations.” This allows me to celebrate from a distance avoiding the ubiquitous cha cha slide moments and awkward speeches. Alas, this weekend was different because it involved the eldest child of my friend of 35 years. He wanted us to attend so we all arrived in Richmond with Tolkien like anticipation of adventure ahead of us. The Us/We comprised of my four other college roommates gathering to celebrate with my other roommate who was launching his eldest into the great wide open of marriage. Honestly his daughter was gracious to allow us to attend but I think his daughter thought that our presence might provide a level of support to her overly introspective father. It was a beautiful event, and we asserted ourselves in innocuous ways relegated to grandparent assistance as well as relaying stories about her father that provided both humor and insight.
At these milestone events, there is a tendency to give advice. Many of the speeches were exactly that – attempts at sage advice. I am obviously cynical for good reason from my profession to my history, so I don’t give advice, especially about marriage. My calamity of a divorce ending in such mushroom cloud of catastrophe cured me of armchair quarterbacking. My relationship lasted 28 years so it might have been a lesson in love or stubbornness. I suspect the latter. But I was struck on how much pressure was inadvertently put on this young couple. The focus on the hugeness of the decision to select a life mate. My hunch was that the advice was coming from a place of well-intentioned hope, but we know where well intentions lead. I am sure that this couple will make it as all attendees believe when you witness a beautiful wedding. But if I was put on the spot and forced at gunpoint to give advice which is the only way I would give it, I would say the following:
1. Embrace change in all forms and fashions.
2. Disappointment comes from failed plans and failed people so train yourself to accept it. Don’t be shocked by it.
3. Hold hands whenever you can.
4. No human being on the planet is responsible for your happiness. That job is yours.
5. Focus on remaining interesting.
6. Trend toward getting better with age not worse.
7. Be kind.
8. Be honest.
9. Be well intentioned.
Albert R. Hartley
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